god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
