Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Randomize
