oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
