that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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