you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
