"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Say something about gay babies.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
