When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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