I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
