rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
