What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize
