the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
