My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
