I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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