Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
