i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
