drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
