...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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