Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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