This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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