I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
