so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
