Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Randomize
