i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I just googled if crying burns calories
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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