I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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