My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
