I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I can't put those talents on a resume
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
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