Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
