my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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