Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
