Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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