i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
