Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
What a dumb baby whore.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
