As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize
