Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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