She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
