I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
