I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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