dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
