The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I didn't notice because vodka
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
