My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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