He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
