Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
