Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
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