I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished�
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
