If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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