I'm gonna have a badass scar
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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