make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
