If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
