do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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