I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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