Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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